First Comes Love
by RenjiLuvah
Summary: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes an assassin in a baby carriage- wait. What? Kagura is going into labor and Edo braces itself for the end of the world as we know it… \\OkiKagu/ One-shot


**A/N: The usual warnings. Cussing, about two instances of the F-word, and crude humor.**

* * *

><p><em>First comes Love…<em>

"Oww that hurt, you bastard!"

Kagura emphasized by chucking her umbrella at her archenemy in which he smoothly dodged.

"It wasn't _supposed_ to tickle."

Midnight, well past her curfew, Kagura was almost home when she was distracted by an anomaly hidden amongst Edo's normal and less irritable citizens – Okita Sougo. Determined to rid the city of this pest and to provide some quick exercise before heading back to the _Yorozuya_ Office, the Yato girl confronted the _Shinsengumi_ Captain and gave him an ultimatum.

"You entered my peripheral vision and therefore ruined my day! Now I shall make you suffer!"

Sougo grinned, gently putting aside his snack before standing before her.

"Hypocrisy, China. You ruined my snack."

And then they began as they always had with disregard for property laws and collateral damage. Between trading jabs and after a couple of street signs had been knocked off their vertical axis, it wasn't until the group of usual park kids stepped in that the two were interrupted.

"Oi, China, look. All the other children are going home where they belong."

"I'm not a kid, Sadist," she knocked him to the ground, stomping her heel on his shoulder, "I've had boobs for a while now."

In seconds, their positions were reversed, Kagura cringing at the grass dampening her back. Shinpachi would have a cow later when he did the laundry. The Captain was about to make his move when those said park kids yelled a few feet away.

"Kagura_-chan_ and Blondie sitting in a tree, K – I – S – S – I – N- EEP!"

Sougo's sword skillfully aimed an inch from their feet seemed to be just the fix they needed to shut their pie holes. Sensing the malicious intent radiating from the couple wrestling on the ground, the park kids ran for their lives as they continued to sing.

_First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the-_

"Oi! I'm gonna kick you all in the balls when I catch you," Kagura threatened before their song could finish. And when they'd vanished down the street, Sougo had returned his attention to his prey to find that she wasn't facing him anymore.

"Oi, China, don't tell me they hurt your precious feelings-"

"Shut up!" She tried to knee him, but he stopped it with his palm, "It's allergies, okay?"

There was a pause before the Captain got up, releasing her of his weight before grabbing for her ankle.

"Hey! What the hell- hey!"

Okita Sougo yanked off her boot and calmly strolled over to the river.

"Don't you- don't you _dare_!"

And with a grin that could only mean mischief, he teased, "Do you double dog dare me?"

The girl got to her feet despite that she was missing one boot, ready to plant that same foot in his ass until she watched him dangle it over the bridge and she stopped short.

"I'll kill you," she hissed and without hesitation, he dropped it. It took a second for it to register, the _ker-plunk_ in the water all the proof she needed, and when she'd gotten over her shock, she was ready to charge.

Okita Sougo caught her fists in his when she tried to ram him. He spun her against the rails, and when Kagura felt her feet rising from the ground, his intent became clear.

"If you want it back so badly, then go get it-"

"Wait- don't you- I won't-"

She could feel him chuckling and the more amused he became, the angrier she got. Finally, just as he tried to arch her over the rail, the girl frantically locked her feet behind his back and with the firmest voice she could muster, said, "Sougo, _stop_."

He stopped. They stopped. Silence.

"_What_ did you just call me?"

Her tone changed instantly. "I- I- I didn't call you anything now let go of me-"

"Not until you tell me what you said."

He began yanking her back towards him, hoping to make her face him. And despite all of her protest of not wanting to fall into the river, she was pulling away with all her might, her legs still latched around his body.

"Let go- of- me-"

"Stop being- such a-"

"You won't- take me alive, copper!"

"Just tell- me-"

The struggle must've only lasted seconds. The slapping of hands, the pushing and grabbing of shoulders, and with their bodies twisting every which way, it was so fast that when it happened, they froze.

With wide blue eyes, Kagura finally faced her opponent. It started as an accident. The girl smushed his face away with her palm, and Sougo, trying to gain the upper hand, managed to tap her inner elbow at the right angle to unlock her arm. And as her hand slid off of his face and shot through the loop next to his neck, they sped up towards one another.

It was like being in the middle of the road minding your own business when all of a sudden, a car swerves around the corner and is doing a full 90 before you could gather your wits and run. With time being the enemy, there is nothing you can do, but stand there waiting for the collision. Your heart stops. Your last thoughts are, "Holy shit," and before the undeniable bumper on your torso meet in a pain you'd never forget, even in the afterlife, the brakes hit. And even though it's over, and every instinct in your body is screaming for your dumb ass to move out of the way, you remain motionless, panting and wheezing although the entire time, you've never moved an inch.

And so the Captain and the Yato clansman wheezed. Stared. An inch from each other's faces where the brakes were hit right before the collision. Kagura could feel the electricity setting pins and needles in her blood. Being a young woman still new to these sorts of things, the tomboy reacted in the only way she knew how – the _wrong_ way.

She uppercut him square in the jaw. Kagura regretted it as soon as she did it and when she felt his grip on her relent, she felt panic rise in her.

"I'm done."

_Done with what? With this? With tonight? With me? For now? Forever? Done with what?_

And before Okita Sougo could break way to silently retrieve his sword and most likely leave Kagura feeling the worse she's ever felt for apparently ruining a moment she was too stupid to realize was brewing in the first place, she took that fire of hers and this time, put it to good use.

"No. You're. _Not_."

And with strength her father would be proud of, she jerked the man back into position before she did the unthinkable. She kissed him, for a second, and then backed away. Fingers white and clutched on his jacket, it only took a moment for their eyes to meet, and the Prince of Sadists retaliated - thus was his nature.

It was rigid at first. Frustrated. Metal scratching on glass. His grip on her wrists tight as was hers on his shoulders. Kagura hummed first, the kind of hum one does when your muscles are sore and someone has to knead them out. With every knot relieved by the skilled masseuse, a groan ensues as if something has been finally snapped into the right place.

Okita Sougo breathed into her and their rage had been sapped. Their grips were firm but gentle, until Kagura was comfortably sitting on the railing and the _Shinsengumi_ Captain supporting her.

It might've been an eternity until they were done, and when they were, Kagura broke away with a face redder than any tomato he'd ever seen.

"And you _know_ what I said, stupid. I-I can call you what I want b-because now you owe me a boot."

He might've chuckled before he turned around and offered his back.

"What?"

"Get on. _Danna_'s gonna be pissed at me. After all, he's the one that buys your wardrobe."

* * *

><p><em>Then comes marriage…<em>

"Oi! Is this how you carry your bride into your new home?"

"You're right. I forgot the leash."

Kagura punched him in the only place she had access to, his ass, as he had her slumped over his shoulder cave-man style. She could feel him unlock the door to their new house and he had waltzed in so fast, it took her a moment to recover from dizziness.

"Put me down, fool!"

"You asked for it."

When Kagura landed on the couch with an audible _oomph_, she cursed him, "Why's this damn couch so soft, I can't get up!"

"Ah hah, all according to plan," he said smoothly is his usual deadpan tone.

"What-"

She hiccupped when her husband plopped next to her, pushing her aside to make room. Unwinding her hair of all the hairpins and accessories, she found an adequate spot to lean into him.

"Be useful," she smirked.

"So, today's finally over. I was bored to death."

"What? It was our wedding you-"

When he shot her a look, she grinned, "Okay, I'll admit. I was bored too. But the food was great!"

Kagura stretched, further settling into her husband until she was resting over his lap.

"So, what do we do now, dreary muffet?"

"Don't you mean, dearly beloved?" Sougo corrected and she shrugged it off. "I suppose I should end the suspense and just show you all the whips and chains now. I now own your life, China."

"PAHAHAHAHA! You wish!"

"Hmm, what shall I have my slave do for me first?"

"You can die, bastard, so I can get all the money from your life insurance."

"I haven't put your name on my life insurance yet and now I won't. Thanks for the tip, China."

"Well you won't be getting anything out of me, that's for sure."

"You're right. Even if I killed you, you're broke. I'd probably make better profit off of keeping you alive and selling you to the _Yoshiwara_ District, and that might not have such a great turn out either-"

"Oi! You trying to say my goods aren't good enough?" the woman snapped, trying to squeeze her breasts together for emphasis.

"Cleavage won't work with that dress, China."

"Shut up and act like you're pleased, servant!"

Wrestling ensued between the two, regardless of them still being clad in their formal attire.

"Damn it, this is cheating, let me take this crap off first!"

"Nope."

The Captain secured her _obi _and held it to prevent any escape. He snickered as she squirmed and wriggled beneath him on the couch.

"I don't want to rip it- I'll kill you- this is abuse, I say!"

He silenced her with a sloppy kiss and when he broke away, he whispered in true sadistic fashion, "Give up yet?"

"Never!"

"I'll make you tap out, China."

"Over my dead body, Sadist- OWW!"

They rolled onto the floor with a painful_ thud_. Okita Sougo still dominated. Re-claiming her _obi, _he asked once again.

"Still being stubborn?"

"That's it! I'm going back to Gin_-chan_'s closet. What kind of honey moon-"

"Oi."

"What?"

"You haven't noticed yet."

"Noticed what?"

"The new house, you ungrateful wife."

And for the first time, Kagura stopped squirming. From this angle, she could actually see the couch. Beside her was the _chabudai_ and next to that-

"Whoa! Is that our TV?"

"It's for Sadaharu."

"Really? Sadaharu will love it!"

"Stupid."

"Shut up, I was kidding! Let me have fun!"

Okita Sougo groaned as he got off of her.

"Where are _you_ going?

"Nowhere. It just so happens that I ordered myself a cake to eat after the wedding and now I'm going to go eat some-"

"Cake? WHERE?"

"I might share with Sadaharu."

"No, you won't!"

As the flaxen-haired man attempted to walk away, she rushed past him with a speed fast enough to cast a wind.

"Onward to the cake! Where's the kitchen- OI, Sadist! Share some of that cake!"

"Hmm, this will make life interesting," Okita Sougo thought to himself before he decided to give chase.

* * *

><p><em>Then comes the assassin in the baby carriage- wait- what?<em>

"Here. Squeeze this with one hand."

"Again?"

"Just want to make sure that my wife hasn't become a pathetic weakling during her pregnancy."

"There," Kagura squeezed the bar of metal her husband had casually handed to her as easily as anyone would crumble paper before aiming it at his head and throwing.

"Damn it. Missed."

Okita Sougo ignored her and went to retrieve the piece of metal.

"Hmm, the Titanium is more lightweight than the Tungsten, perhaps I might go for Titanium."

"What are you mumbling about?"

The man turned to face his grouchy and bloated wife rolled up on the porch munching on _sukonbu_. She'd been increasingly annoying as of late, trying the Sadist's last nerve daily. Sougo promised that he'd repay her when she could actually run again – with interest.

"Oi! Husband!"

"What, China? I have to do my patrol runs today."

"_Please._ Don't act like you do your job."

"What do you want? Spit it out."

His wife's face suddenly lit ablaze and she hesitated to speak.

"Eh? What was that? You're going to leave me?"

"No, stupid! You wish!" She yelled before calming down again, "Don't forget to get me a pint of Bargain Dash to go with my egg on rice tonight."

Okita Sougo cringed. Pregnancy cravings were disgusting.

"Oh and one more thing, come here."

"I'm leaving now-"

"Get your dumb ass over here right now before I tell the neighbors that it's you that makes their dogs disappear when they're out on our lawn."

With obvious resistance, the man dragged his feet over to see what she wanted with the intention of flicking her forehead when she had acquired his attacking hand and spread it over her womb instead. He could feel it - the light rumble and thump beneath her skin - the little evil assassin that he would raise to help him dispose of Hijikata.

"Good boy," he remarked before pinching his wife's chin and walking away.

"_Girl!_" she opposed, since Kagura's sole duty was to be the anti-thesis of her husband's every opinion and whim. As he was leaving, _Danna_ and Shinpachi were on their way in – they were Kagura's babysitters.

"She's all yours now, _Danna_," he remarked as Gintoki shrugged past him.

"Kagura_-chan_! Put on some socks! It's not good for the baby!"

"Gin_-chan_!" she chirped the moment that the lazy samurai entered, ignoring Shinpachi's effeminate badgering. "Did you bring me anything?"

Shinpachi had already retrieved a pair of socks in record-breaking time, fresh from the dryer, crisp and warm. Without asking, he reached for her swollen ankles and was slipping them for his little Yato sister. Despite her earlier protests, the moment he slipped one sock on, Kagura's shoulders wilted with a comfortable sigh.

"Thanks, _Megane_."

"I'm not- oh whatever. You're welcome," Shinpachi pouted.

"Look at that Kagura_-chan_, you have a husband _and_ a wife." Kagura laughed as Shinpachi shot Gintoki a sharp glare before leaving to check on the remaining laundry.

"Gin_-chan_," she whined, "Sit behind me. I need back support."

Ruffling her hair, the man commented, "Oi. You look like you comb your hair with the yard rake." Gintoki sat behind her and offered his back, providing support as she leaned against his broad shoulders. "I mean I've heard of women letting go, but you look like you threw it full force instead."

"Shut up. I'm too tired to reach my head. My hair's getting long, you know."

"Make your stupid husband take you to get your hair cut."

"I heard that pregnant women aren't supposed to cut their hair-"

"They're not supposed to sit on porches either, but it's all bullshit. You need to hack that mop of orange wires, Kagura_-chan_."

"Yeah, yeah, when you take the knots out of your perm head first."

They laughed and it wasn't long before Shinpachi had returned with lunch. Gintoki revealed a pint of Bargain Dash, a secret she'd keep from her husband, and the three sat on the porch together until late afternoon. With the wind kicking in and the swollen woman only getting up for potty breaks, Shinpachi was forced to wrap her in blankets for fear that she'd catch a cold. Gintoki held his position without complaint, a reminiscent smile over him as he watched children run by the front gates.

It seemed the day would pass without incident, Kagura_-chan_ asleep against Gintoki's shoulder and Shinpachi double-checking that all the chores were done. He was about to sneak a brush into Kagura's ginger locks when she suddenly piped up with the kind of ferocity a spoon makes when you slam your fist against its foot and it flips into the air.

"Kagura_-chan_, what's wrong?"

Gintoki could hear wood crackling and it took him a moment to realize it was one of the porch planks being torn to shreds by the expecting Yato clansmen. With a groan that shook both men down to their bones, she cried, "I'm leaking!"

"Holy shit, Gin_-san_! Kagura's water broke!"

* * *

><p>Okita Sougo was just returning from patrol when something like instinct punched him right in the gut. He stopped in the middle of the street, waited for something to happen, and when nothing immediate occurred, the <em>Shinsengumi<em> Captain stood on his guard as he made his way back to headquarters.

Kondo_-san_ was always shaking his shoulders all the time, all smiles and hearty laughter, "Oh come on, Sougo-_kun_. Your wife is pregnant. This is the time to pamper her. This is the time when women glow the most."

"Right. By glowing, if you mean the grease on her forehead-"

"Oi. You're the one that knocked her up so she's your responsibility now," Hijikata sneered between his cigarette's exhale.

"What was that? Is that Hijikata who I'm going to replace soon when I get promoted?"

"Promoted my ass, you-"

"What is that, Kondo_-san_? If I'm a good father, you'll give me Hijikata's job?"

"I'll body you, Sadist!"

"Calm down, you two. There is still a lot to do today. Speaking of that, Kagura_-chan_ is due soon, isn't she?"

"Any day now," the Third Captain shrugged.

"I see. Then we should go over the plan again. I know she's your wife, Sougo-_kun_, but we'd best be prepared for the worst…"

And as if Isao Kondo was the new Nostradamus, Yamazaki came dashing down towards them with a speed that even a cheetah would envy. In one breath, he screeched, "Okita_-san_, your wife is going into labor right now, the _Yorozuya_ have already headed towards the hospital so now we just need to-"

As soon as Okita Sougo stepped down from the porch and made way towards the exit, Kondo and Hijikata matched gazes before following.

"Toshi. Get the Swat team ready. It's time."

* * *

><p>By the time they had arrived at the hospital, half of Kabuki's police force were behind them, sirens blaring. Gintoki must have broken every speed limit there was, might've run over a cat or two, and floored through every red light with Kagura<em>-chan<em> behind him on the scooter. Sadaharu never let anyone but Kagura ride him, and yet, as if sensing the urgency of the situation due to his master's inhumane cries of pain, the dog allowed Shinpachi to hop on – or more like he was dragged.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That's IT! Someone's balls are becoming sushi!"

Every time Kagura wailed, it made their ears ring louder than the sirens did. As Gintoki reached to hoist the screeching banshee off of his scooter without getting his balls grabbed amidst her man hating mode, the first officer approached, ticket book flipped open when the _Yorozuya_ boss snapped at him.

"Can't you see Armageddon is happening? We need to drain this woman _now_!"

"I'm sorry, sir, but even if- wait, is that?"

"Yes, you idiot," Shinpachi jumped in, "This is your Captain's wife!"

To the random _Shinsengumi_ officer, that must have been the equivalent of "This is the Yakuza's Onee_-san_ and unless you want a new pair of concrete boots, you'd better move out of the way," because all the blood left his face before he motioned to help.

Kagura was reaching for Gintoki's hair as he hustled her inside in his arms. "Oi, OI, not the hair!"

"Gin_-san_, a wheelchair!"

Shinpachi had snatched the idle wheelchair down the hall without so much as asking if it was in use first. Just as the samurai was about to save his hair and place Kagura into it, a nurse came running.

"I'm sorry, miss, you can't take that chair-"

The hoard of officers that had trailed behind Gintoki's scooter entered, making a diamond formation around the pregnant woman and mumbling commands over their cackling walkies. The officer that had attempted to give them a ticket earlier spoke up, "This is a red alert, I repeat, red alert. All officers in formation."

"Wha- what the hell is going on?" Kagura kicked in her chair, "I don't need a damn escort to spit this thing out of my twaaaAAHHHHHHH!"

"Kagura_-chan_, breath! Remember the breathing exercises!"

"Shut up," Kagura threw up a fist at Shinpachi and missed.

"It'll help calm you down!"

"Yeah? How about I pull your balls as far as I can and let's see how well- how well- FUCK!"

After that last curse, the enraged woman went totally silent. Face down and hands on her belly, her two _Yorozuya_ family members were beginning to get concerned when they heard her speak softly, "Gin_-chan_? Shinpachi?"

"Yes, Kagura_-chan_. We're here."

The men got down on their knees to meet her at eye level when she raised her chin. Tears and sweat dribbled down her face.

"I feel like I have to take a shit…"

* * *

><p>It was happening so fast, neither Gintoki or Shinpachi saw the same face twice as a group of doctors and nurses rushed their little sister into a hospital room redolent of antiseptic and Lysol. On either side of the gurney, officers stood guard until their Captain's arrival.<p>

Kagura was too busy being in the worse pain of her life to really question it anymore, but truth be told, Gintoki knew that this had been a plan in the works since the moment her husband had found out she'd been pissing on sticks to get the news. See, Kagura wasn't always the most likable young lady to others, and she had stepped on plenty Yakuza toes and spit in their faces without consequences due to her strength or her _Yorozuya_ compatriots there to help.

Okita Sougo wasn't a favorite, being an officer earned him enough enemies, and with his sadistic nature that also led him to step on Yakuza toes and get away with it, it was best to assume that neither the Captain, nor his wife were generally likable. Hell, Gin wouldn't have been surprised if half the Undergound hated their guts, and with the two teaming up in holy matrimony, it must've have dampened business for the thugs and gangters. If any of these so-called thugs and gangters intended to plot against the married couple in a quest for revenge, Kagura's laboring hours would be the ideal time for an attack.

And so, Okita Sougo had strategically put together a plan with all of them, unbeknownst to his wife, in this event so that an attack would be prevented.

"Shit," Gintoki cursed when he watched the nurse insert the IV into Kagura's arm, and she curled the iron bar on her bed with a bare hand - the bar flattening closer to the thickness of a butter knife with every contraction.

For now, she was as safe as she could be. Only issue they'd have now was-

If she could make it through this.

As if reading the worry brewing on his face, Shinpachi asked, "Gin_-san_?"

"Oh! It's nothing. Do you have Kagura's bag of clothes and crap?"

"Right here."

"What the hell is taking this idiot so long?"

"I don't know," Pachi answered in defeat as he wondered the same, where was Kagura_-chan_'s husband.

"You'd think with a damn siren on the top of his car and a bazooka, he'd make it here in five minutes."

Something was holding him up.

Both men knew this. Neither of them voiced it.

The doctor had finished prepping her and just as Kagura spread her legs, Shinpachi almost fainted.

"SHINPACHIIII!"

"G-Gin_-san_, I think I- should go wait outside-"

"Sorry, Pachi. Forgot you were a virgin. You probably didn't want that to be your first view."

The _Megane_ puffed his cheeks and gagged.

"GIN_-chan_NNNN!"

The Yato screamed, Shinpachi taking advantage of her cries to wobble into the hallway where he could maul over his traumatic experience. A nurse approached Gintoki, "Are you the father? I'm sorry, but if you're not, I'm going to have to ask you to-"

"Uhh-"

"GIN_-chan_!" Kagura screeched again and the _Yorozuya_ boss had no choice, but to go with it.

"Yeah, yeah, I knocked her up, now give me the mask and the gloves already."

The nurse glared daggers at him before complying. Of course, not without the rest behind gossiping, "Isn't he a little old for her? Must be mid-life crisis-"

"Oi, OI, OI! I'm not that old-"

Gintoki didn't have a chance to defend himself when Kagura yanked him towards her gurney and he almost fell on top of her.

"Give me your hand," a manly and hoarse voice demanded. He was about to calmly reply that he didn't swing that way when he realized the voice came from none other than his sweet, booger picking, Kagura_-chan_.

"Give. Me. Your. Hand." Once again through gritted teeth. Seeing the iron bar she had twisted beside her in the shape of a balloon animal, it was no wonder Gintoki hesitated.

"Ahem, I can go find a telephone pole for you, how about that-"

"YOUR HAND!"

"Damn it," Gintoki prepared to say goodbye to his fingers when an officer saved him. Rather, Sougo-kun had finally arrived. A tad tattered and blood stained, but nonetheless, he had made his entrance. Obviously, he had run into trouble on the way. Good thing he had his fellow _Shinsengumi_ members to help out.

"Okita_-san_, so you actually do your job," Gintoki remarked and the Captain quirked his brow, unsure of what he was referring to and unaware that he had spared Gintoki's masturbation hand.

"I'm sorry sir, if you're not her husband, you can't-"

Okita Sougo nudged the nurse aside and shrugged, "Oh. Kagura_-chan_ married another man behind my back. We'll have to conduct some DNA tests later."

The _Shinsengumi_ Captain dodged a scalpel that had flung across the room and effortlessly stabbed into a wall.

"Mrs. Okita, please don't take and throw my medical tools," the doctor warned. "It's time to push now, okay?"

When the confused nurse attempted to hand the officer a pair of latex gloves, he shook his head. "I've got it covered."

_CLINK._

"WHATTTTTT? OI! That's cheating, OI!"

A satisfied smile spread across Sougo's face when he revealed the custom glove he had purchased, part Titanium, part Tungsten. He didn't have her bend all those bars for show.

"I demand that you give me one," Gintoki argued while still trying to avoid the clamping death grip chasing his fingers belonging to Kagura_-chan_.

"Sorry, _Danna_. Only got one."

"OI, you fools! Give. Me. Your. HANDS!"

And without warning, she had captured the both of them, thankfully not their sword gripping hands and squeezed. Gintoki squeaked like his balls had been kicked while Sougo looked onward, unfazed and victorious. He was just about to gloat when he heard a sickening whine – his glove crunching.

"Che, guess I gotta go to plan B."

Sougo managed to slip his hand out before his wife could clench it around his hand for life and full metal alchemist him. When he slipped out another, the heavier version of 100 percent Titanium, the samurai cursed, "OI! What is that?"

"Oh? I had an extra? I must have forgotten."

"Lies!"

She must've been a couple of pushes in when the monitors did that thing that all soap operas and ER shows like to exaggerate – the monotonous beeping going ape-shit.

"Heart beat's dropping, pressure's rising! She's hemorrhaging too much, doctor!"

In an instant, the two men had forgotten their bickering and turned to realize Kagura's eyes were drifting. The rising of her chest quickened and they could feel a tremble travel through her fingers to theirs.

"Oi! Kagura_-chan_! Come on, you're almost done," Gintoki shook her shoulder gently and there was no response.

"China. Wake up."

Okita Sougo said it so coldly, it sounded like he was giving an order to one of his subordinates. When she failed to comply, he repeated more sternly, "China. Look at me."

Nothing.

"She's having trouble with the final pushes and she's letting the anxiety get to her. We might have to do a C-sec if she doesn't calm down, Mr. Okita, or err, whichever one of you is the father," the doctor informed the men as the staff scuffled about in organized panic.

The grip on their hands had gone limp and before the monitors even had a chance to go silent, the officer leaned over his wife and whispered in her ear.

"Come on, Kagura_-chan_. Calm down. One breath at a time.

Look, I'll let you hold my good hand - the one I use to unsheathe my sword, and to hold the straw in my strawberry milk. Strawberry milk's important! I'll trust you with this responsibility if you just relax and don't give up."

Gintoki's bargaining wasn't working. Her husband, still hovered over her, sharing words with her that were inaudible to anyone else in the room.

_Come on, China Doll, don't do to me what Nee-san did. You're all I have left…_

And like she'd been held under water for too long, she revived with a loud and drawn out inhale.

The room buzzed with sighs of relief and brief shout outs to the Gods.

"Okay, Mrs. Okita. I need you to give one final push!" The doctor shouted.

"Kagura_-chan_, here's my strawberry milk hand," Gintoki offered and her husband, threw down his metal glove and did the same. They were handing to her their very souls.

"My wife isn't a sissy after all."

"Shut up, Sadist!" Kagura croaked and finally the three matched gazes. With a fire in her eyes that reminded her husband of when he first locked lips with her, the Yato woman was going to give one last shot.

"I'm gonna kick this baby's aaaAAAAASSSSS!"

Kagura screamed and the two men yelled with her, her voice a warison for the two soldiers straddling her gurney. As their screeching chorused for what felt like eternity, it broke when a new cry was heard.

"Okay, that's my cue," Gintoki pressed a kiss into her hair with word of congratulations before exiting the room.

"Thanks, Gin_-chan_. And you!" She looked over to her sadistic husband, her hand still in his, "A month's worth of ice cream that it's a girl."

"Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Okita, it's a girl!"

"PAHAHAHAHA! Take that!"

He shut her up when, he too, rewarded her with a kiss to her hair. "Fine. I'll let you win this once."

When the woman got a hold of the little bundle of cramps, morning sickness and agony - err, joy – she was sold. With a patch of what would grow to be hair brighter than her mother's and eyes more sanguine then her father, the proud parents took a moment to poke at the child's little fingers and toes.

"She's going to make a great assassin," Kagura sighed, to the horror of the medical staff and her husband agreed.

"I give Hijikata four more years until he's finally incapacitated. Good work, China."

The woman beamed, tired eyes and sweat glistening on her forehead. "I had some shit talk to help me along."

~Fin~

* * *

><p><strong>AN: OMG this story was hard. And longer than I expected. I wanted to post this weeks ago and got stuck once it got into baby phase. Then I had to finish school and yay, graduation next week!**

**Anyway, sort of abandoned the pattern I was going for and had a hard time ending it. I hope that I kept them mostly in character. And I warn you now, I know nothing of childbirth except that it is the worse pain any woman will have in their life. Hope it was somewhat believable. Every woman I spoke to has said that when it's about time to give birth, they've felt like they had to take a shit so… yeah…**

**Until next time, Renji out!**


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